How To Bridge The Gap

The gap between today’s parent & child is digital in nature.

As long as they’ve been alive, the world has been a connected place. They text, they IM, their iPods are continuously in their ears… if they’re not watching their favorite show on TV, they’re watching it on the net. This is the generation of young people who prefer to learn by doing rather than being told what to do.

Poor parents. Most of us don’t truly “get” the phenomenon that our kids can be standing just a few feet away from each other, and still choose to text or IM rather than walk over to initiate a conversation. Adults are less likely to value an online interaction the same way we would a face-to-face conversation.

Sociologists refer to these kids as “iGeneration” (born after 1996), “Generation Z (born after 2000)” and “Net Gen” (born between 1977-1997). They only know digital, and are growing up with easy access to information.

Even though some of our future “Zeds” have not been born yet, experts understand the key challenges they will face in their life, and can predict their key traits. For example, because this generation will be exposed to marketing at a young age, they will demand relevance.

I recently read an article which stated that babies 6-months of age can recognize mental images of a company’s logo. This means that brand-loyalties can be established at the age of 2-years, and when these children go to school, high numbers can recognize these brand logos. (see article)

But I digress.

The point of this blog entry was to take a closer look at how to bridge the gap.

When it comes to children, any degree of risk is seen as “unacceptable.” Today’s parent lives in a “risk-averse culture” and it has been argued that children’s immersion into the “virtual world” is partly due to the limited encounters of today’s children outside the home. If our kids can’t play alone outside, they shouldn’t venture unaccompanied on the internet. (see “Safer Children In The Digital World") Correct?

Yes. But while aiming to protect our children, we might actually be thwarting their developmental need to socialize and establish risk identifiers, assessment and management skills that can help keep them safe. (see Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid)

In an interview with Larry Rosen (author of “Me, MySpace and I: Parenting the Net Generation”) he spoke to the importance of proactive parents. The challenge, Rosen said, is that most parents he talks with “have absolutely no idea what their kids are doing. They don’t even understand what MySpace is and what function it plays.” As a result, too many parents skew to extremes. They ban video games based on parental buzz, rather than knowledge. (see full interview)

Few parents believe that online games encourage collaboration among players and provide a context for peer-to-peer teaching. Most are of the opinion that online gaming is addictive and dangerous. Don’t forget, just shy of a year ago, the American Medical Association tried to label video-game addiction as a mental illness. (According to a Harris Interactive Poll conducted last year, the average “tween” plays 13-hours of video games each week.) The “Zeds” look at gaming as a social outlet. They are playing in groups, online communities form around games, and players literally “add to” existing games to share their vision with others. (see more about “Net Gen”)

The reality is, computer-based activities play a central role in today’s youth culture. As parents, what we need to do is find a healthy way for kids to blend these two worlds. And until KooDooZ is ready for you to bridge that gap, there are a few simple things you, as parents, can do:

1. Knowledge is power. With the internet, 80% of it is going to be parenting, and 20% of it is going to be your understanding of it. Parents need to do their research – just like they would check out any other activities your kids were selected in the real-world. Not all sites are dangerous, not all games are bad -- but some are. Set limits & rules that your kids can understand... monitor them!
2. Don't dismiss their way of doing things. If your kids text, then use that tool as one way to communicate with them. (See the 04/16/08 article “Text messaging improves parent-teen relationship”)
3. Play games with your kids – board games and interactive. Learn to appreciate the age-appropriate online games your kids like as much as the board or card games that you grew up with. (43% of parents who have gamer children never play along)
4. Learn to see the kid in front of you, not the kid you wanted to have. The aspirations of your kids are unique to them. Take a moment to stop & listen to their dreams.
5. Promote a sense of family by making the kids responsible for specific household decisions and chores. A dinner for example can involve a kid's participation in the shopping and preparation as well as enjoying the meal with you.

Cyberbullying

We need to better address the issue of cyberbullying. The media has documented enough cases to show that this type of harassment has inflicted real harm. I’m referring to such atrocities as the suicides of Ryan Halligan -- a New York teen who killed himself after a fellow 8th grader started a fake relationship online and then rejected him at school (see article); and most recently in the press, Megan Meiers – a 13-year old girl who took her life last year after her virtual (non-existent) MySpace love-interest terminated their friendship (see article) then incited peers to belittle her online.

When it comes to bullying, my generation is far luckier than the generation of my children. Before the Internet boasted a 91% penetration to youth at home, the bully most feared was an angry kid on the playground. Kids today can’t even see their tormentor. Posing online as someone else, the cyberbully spreads rumors and hurtful comments then disappears without a trace.

Cyberbullying is a growing epidemic affecting teens and reaching down to tweens. 10-15 year olds are at the highest risk of being bullied -- whether on the playground or on a social networking site. A new study by Internet Solutions for Kids indicates that 34% of surveyed children in that age bracket have experienced some form of harassment before reaching high school. And the numbers only go up from there with text-messaging and internet access via cell & smart phones. (see statistics from U.S. Centers for Disease Control & Prevention)

Most stunning to me, is the fact that more often than not, cyberbullies are girls hurting another girl. One article I read stated that “it’s becoming common practice for such information as descriptions, addresses and daily activities to be sent to known sexual predators in the hope that the girl the bully decided needs to be taught a lesson will literally be raped.” (see article)

Worse yet, the victims have little to no criminal recourse at present. While more communities have been pushing to make online harassment a Class B misdemeanor -- punishable by a fine of up to $500-dollars and 90-days in jail –that hardly has the proverbial “teeth” to take a bite of this type of crime.

A more wide-spread approach to formulating law around cyberbullying is proving to be tricky. Lawmakers have to consider First Amendment issues, the spirit of the Internet, and the more obvious culprit – human nature itself.

Perhaps it’s not surprise that statistically speaking, 60% of bullies will be convicted of a crime by the age of 24. Let’s stop them now! Push for meaningful legislature. Get your voice out there & be heard!

It takes a village to raise a child. Parents, siblings, friends, mentors, and neighbors, need to be a support system for today’s youth. Kids need kudos which includes the investment of our time and most of all our love.

Between now and the time we toughen the penalties for those who use the Internet to prey on our children. Be aware that the emotional response your children might display as cyberbully victims may include: (i) social anxiety; (ii) loneliness; (iii) social withdrawal; (iv) physical illness; (v) low self esteem; (vi) phobias; (vii) aggressive behavior; (viii) depression; and (ix) dropping grades (see article).

Cyberspace Addiction

Please tell me I’m not alone. I want a virtuous world, not a virtual one. When I see a would-be-athlete transform into cyber-jock, I feel distressed. When I witness parents exposing their kid to cartoon caricatures versus principled characters, I feel perturbed. When did surfing the world wide web replace the exhilaration of cresting an actual wave?

Along with all the benefits the internet brings, problems of excessive use are all too apparent. Neglect of life responsibilities (academic, work, and domestic), coupled with the disruption of relationships, social isolation and financial problems, have all been identified as very real consequences of “Internet Addiction Disorder” (IAD). Debated for years now, mental health experts still can’t agree on whether to classify IAD as an addiction (in the formal sense) or just a highly engaging habit / compulsive behavior. The semantics don’t matter to me. Large numbers of people are becoming “hooked” by such online activities as complex video games, virtual alter egos, gambling and pornography, not to mention social networking sites.

My own kids, ever excited to brag about their high scores on Lego StarWars and WebKinz, seem to think what happened during their day at school is less relevant. I feel enraged.

Last month I read about the young man in China who was the first “death by internet addiction” victim. (see Reuters article) This month, I learned about a government-run bootcamp, instituted to help get South Korean youth out of the internet cafés and back into life. (see New York Times article) What’s happening on the other side of the world could easily happen here.

In North America, roughly 70% of our population uses the internet. That translates to some 235-million users (see source). American teens are perhaps the most wired of that group. According to the Pew Internet & American Life Project, 93% of all Americans between the ages of 12-and-17 enjoy cyberspace. (see report). What is troubling it that many of them suffer academically because of excessive computer use. (See Science Daily study). Just two years ago, 425 middle-school students were given a test of IAD that asked such questions as “whether you feel preoccupied with the Internet, whether you repeatedly make unsuccessful efforts to cut back on use, and whether your online travels are a means of escaping from your problems.” The study showed that about 11% of teens were “highly addicted to the Internet” – less than 1/3 were in the no-risk group. (see study).

What is causing the addiction?

As it turns out, certain online activities seem to cause a chemical reaction in the brain. Gaming sites can trigger a release of adrenaline or serotonins; pornographic web sites act as a stimulant; and social networking sites can sometimes have a tranquilizing effect on users.

According to the director of Computer Addiction Study Center and Harvard University’s McLean Hospital, between 5-10% of web surfers suffer some form of Web dependency. Interestingly, beyond the populace suffering from emotional problems, (such as depression & anxiety-related disorders), the two groups at greatest risk of becoming cyberspace junkies are (i) teenagers and (ii) people in their mid-50’s suffering from the loneliness of an “empty nest.” (see Science Daily article).

So in a nutshell, it's a form of depression that makes people more preoccupied with the internet. Of import to me is the following: Depressed people set small goals. Small goals merit small rewards. Isn't it obvious that people need to get out there and challenge themselves instead of psychologically escaping their own world for a virtual one? Imagine the rewards one can reap then!